Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Denver Donkey Show and Tonight’s Star; The One, The Only, Sen. Hill-a-ME Clinton (DNC Night 2)

Where to begin; I’m sitting there, minding my own Goddamn business, and watching the Democratic National Convention, live from Denver. It’s moments like these in life’s rich pageant that call to memory some of the times in your life that you’ve felt so very alone. It’s like; “WOW. There’s a shitload of people in this country who see the world through completely different eyes than I do. I mean for real.”

Then, reality sets in and you remember (how could you forget, you handsome devil) that you are always right and all those complete assholes on that convention floor have got it all wrong. WAAAAAYY wrong.

They are unwittingly there, for all the world and most importantly me, to laugh at and to demean. HELL YEAH! Think about it; you’ve got to be a pretty dim bulb with nary a sense of humor not to take full advantage of a prime opportunity to laugh at the Democrats’ expense. Fox News even had actor Chris Burke, who was born with Downs Syndrome, and portrayed lead character 'Corky' on the TV series “Life Goes On," live in their Washington studios to poke fun at the convention goers. Mr. Burke, 43, appeared to be drunk at the time.

Orgiastic doesn’t begin to describe the convention floor freak show. For Christ’s sake, with mine own eyes I saw a delegate from the convention’s home state of Colorado in a Jack Link’s Beef Jerky Sasquatch costume, with a studded-leather codpiece, and God help me if I’m lying, bejeweled nipple rings. I could go on for hours.

It all makes sense now......

With a revolving door of freaks and megalomaniacs who spoke before her, Hillary Clinton was introduced to the stage by her, VERY fit by the way, daughter Chelsea. I hadn’t seen Chelsea in quite a while, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that she had somehow grown into the heavy jaw and equine dentition of her youth. For whatever reason, I hadn’t thought that possible. To be honest, I was expecting another Amy Carter. What a battle axe.

Senator Clinton entered stage left, initially flanked by her guru, an Al Bin Ali Bedouin mystic. Little is known about him other than he smells of camel’s urine and Febreze. She walked with a quick, straight-armed, straight-legged staccato, accessorized by her trademark wild-eyed grin, like a martyred poster child for the clinically insane. She held the look of someone who is currently experiencing the unique discomfort of having a relapsing, crack smoking Robert Downey Jr. wedged in their descending colon.

She took the stage in a day-glo, “power orange” pant suit. With a pasty white skeletal head, and her “you see that ass Mami got” rear end, from afar she looked like a delicious piece of candy corn. At first I thought she was going to do something fresh and bold, like a jazzy dance number, maybe as one last ditch effort to turn the delegate tide in her favor. I sat eagerly waiting, hoping for other candy costumes to follow her on stage, but none of it came; no mini Snickers, no Zagnuts, no Circus Peanuts, nothing. I must say that I was temporarily saddened. Then she opened her mouth and my pain melted away.

She started off slowly, with the usual mendacious rhetoric. But, anytime Hillary Clinton takes the podium, it is common knowledge that there’s going to be some vaingloriously comedic “doozies” that come flying out of her mouth. It is a fact that has been woven into the very fabric of presidential campaign folklore. She just can’t fucking help herself, much to the delight of my maliciously sarcastic dark side.

As she spoke, they kept panning back to Bill Clinton for his reaction. President Clinton looked like W.C. Fields in the depths of an alcoholic fugue. His cartoonish, bulbous nose has turned a deep shade of red, and there is a visible road map of tiny surface capillaries from continual abuse of the drink. His face was flush, and his eyes were like a crime scene; bloodshot and devoid of life. President Clinton is a known mouth breather, and as he exhaled, those around him were forced to turn away in revulsion from the overbearing stench of Maker’s Mark and simple chronic halitosis. It has been widely reported on fringe internet news sites that he “sharted” when Hillary said “No Way, No How, No McCain.”

Notable Quotes:

  • The media outlets had quoted Sen. Clinton calling for Democrats to “take back the country we love,” but I will go to my grave believing that I heard her urge them, begging them no less, to “take back the Cunt that you love.”

  • Speaking to America, “You have made me laugh, you have made me cry.” Well Hillary, now you know how I’ve felt all these years, but for me, there’s been a heavier emphasis on the crying.

  • “Barack Obama is MY candidate, and he must be President of the United States of America.” – This is typical Hillary Clinton egoism. Me, me, me, my, my, my, I, I, I.

Other than that, it was a pretty boring, non-committal speech. The whole thing seemed kind of forced, except when she was talking about herself of course. There was nothing earth-shattering to report, but as stated earlier, the people watching was par excellence.

Semper Vigilo,


No comments: