Declaring War on the "War on ______": The Government's Never-ending, Multi-front Wars ( Part 2 of 2)

The War on Global Warming:

Humanity has proven beyond any shadow of a doubt that, overall, we are cock-a-roaches; scurrying, omnivorous, rampant breeders who shit where we lie.

There, I said it.

There are many who may be angry over this assertion, yet I stand firm; ladies and gentlemen, sometimes the truth hurts. Human beings have evolved into the worst plague Terra has ever known, and the Good Mother would be much healthier without us. Come what may, this wondrous biosphere will be here much, much longer than we will. Our time on earth has been a fleck of fly dirt in the fluid and churning sands of time.

Like the essence of life itself, the Earth is hard-wired for self-preservation. When the time comes that the sum of our existence has affected the earth’s homeostatic functions to the point that her compensatory measures are no longer effective, she will no doubt wipe the slate clean, erasing the stain of humanity.

With that said, we should do what we can; individually, realistically, and scientifically, as opposed to politically. The government’s declaration of “war” on mankind’s poisoning of the environment, is as ridiculous a concept as the population control protocol in Logan’s Run. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t surprise me either. We are both too smart and too dumb for our own good.

The fact of the matter is, our numbers are simply too great, and there is a finite amount of resources.

Largely because of organized religion, the original purveyors of fear-based mind-fuckery - entities that consistently laugh in the face of science and lackadaisically cast reason to the wind, we have lapsed into a dangerously unhealthy denial of our animal beginnings. This denial, a refusal to understand and acknowledge our animalistic traits and instincts is among the worst things we can do.

As Americans, we’ve had the very temporary luxury of being high-minded on the subject, as we have been the “land of plenty.” As a species, we have done great things; we have tamed our surroundings to our own ends and we continue to soar ever higher, but Daedalus was right. If you fly too high Icarus, too close to the sun, you’re bound to get burned and fall back to earth.

The government’s “Declaration of War” on global warming is an insult; to both Mother Earth and to us. Only common sense can save us, but it is a resource humans possess an ever diminishing supply of. By shying away from instinctual behavior, we have turned our backs on the very essence of common sense.

The War in Iraq:

It began with one of the most painful and sad days in American history; September 11, 2001. 19 mostly Saudi hijackers/terrorists planned for years to fly 4 different planes, loaded with fuel and passengers, into 4 different important American buildings. 3 out of the 4 were successful. Only one mission was unsuccessful, as a direct result of the bravery of the passengers on United Airlines flight 93.

From here on out is when it gets more than a little sketchy. Personally, I don’t believe that it was an inside job, but the media and general public are quick to dismiss 9/11 conspiracy theorists as complete whack-jobs. However, they do make one valuable point: This “war” is not, nor has it ever been about the eradication of terrorism. It is about 3 things; oil, oil, and oil. Furthermore, it is an obvious conflict of interest for the Executive branch to invade two different sovereign nations and threaten a third, especially since the White House is currently occupied by two “oil men.”

While this war is about oil, there are other entities with their hands deep in our collective cookie jar that stand to profit immensely from never-ending conflict; namely the Federal Reserve and the Military Industrial Complex. War is the very best thing that can possibly happen for either of these businesses.

In times of war, the Federal Reserve prints ungodly amounts of money to finance the endeavor. Every dollar, since the Federal Reserve Bank's inception in 1913, has been printed by them, and then loaned back to us at interest. The more dollars the Federal Reserve prints, the more money they make. It’s painfully obvious why the Military Industrial Complex benefits from perpetual conflict.

To tie it all together, there are two “oil men” in the White House. Then, the biggest act of terrorism ever to occur on these shores is perpetrated by 19 men from an area of the world that possesses the largest known reserves of oil remaining on the planet. As oil men, they desperately need whatever oil they can get their hands on because in-ground oil reserves are diminishing worldwide.

So, they get together with their corporate allies that would also greatly benefit from an extended conflict, and begin planning their attack. For the American people’s digestion, they cook up a scheme with both real and bogus “intelligence” from the CIA and other secret government agencies that says that there are numerous Al-Qaeda training camps in Afghanistan, and that Saddam Hussein has “Weapons of Mass-Destruction” in Iraq . It’s mostly cock and bull story from day one, and they know it. The fact is, is that they don’t much care for the Taliban, Saddam Hussein tried to have George Bush Sr. whacked during the first Gulf War, and Afghanistan and Iraq lie directly on the eastern and western borders of Iran respectively. Coincidence? I think not. Should they later decide to invade Iran, they could do so from two separate adjoining nations. They are also acutely aware that if they invade and control these three nations, they would control the entire Persian Gulf along with their allies the Saudis, as well as control a huge percentage of the known oil left in the world.

Is there any lower act of complete and utter selfishness than for the President of the United States to use one of the nation’s biggest tragedies for the benefit of himself and his friends?

Maybe there is one:

Our President, his V.P., and Congress have used one of our nation’s biggest tragedies to continue on their path towards complete tyranny; they take, and take, and take some more from their citizens, while giving back little to nothing in return. They have amplified and exploited our fears and they have used them against us. They have taken our rights away. They have ruined our economy. They have increased surveillance on their citizens in every imaginable way. They have turned on immigrants who were once welcomed in. They have incarcerated millions upon millions of people.

These “wars” are ideally indicative of the steep decline in freedom and liberty occurring within the United States, and the irony of creating a Cabinet-level “czar” to lead these new departments isn’t lost on me either. The word czar is derived from Caesar, or Emperor. Czars, Caesars, and Emperors were autocratic, sovereign rulers. Our system of government, a republic, is the opposite of that. It is a government without a monarch, and in which the people have a voice. The word republic originates from the Latin term Res publica, which means “public thing”, or “public matter.”

We must declare war on “The War on _______”, because they are wars that have been declared on us.

Declaring War on "The War on_______": The Government's Never-ending, Multi-front Wars (Part 1 of 2)

The War on Drugs, The War on Terror, The War on Illegal Immigration, The War on Global Warming, The War on Iraq, The War on Iran, The War on Science, The War on the Middle Class, and the list goes on.

It makes me sick to my stomach to think about putting my thoughts on this issue down on paper. Writing about any topic requires a deep delving into, and critical thinking about, the chosen subject. Merely pondering this topic has caused me to lapse into hyperventilating, fist pounding convulsions. Luckily, no one was hurt. A perfect example; after I sat down and wrote the title to this piece, I had to walk away from it for a couple of days.

Oscar Wilde said, “I have said to you to speak the truth is a painful thing. To be forced to tell lies is much worse.”


The War on Drugs:

In the history of our great nation, no other government movement has led to the erosion of our basic civil rights more than the War on Drugs has.

• As of 2006, there are 299,398,484 people living in the United States. In that year, there were 1,889,810 drug arrests, with 829,627 of them being for marijuana.

• In 1990, there were 248,709,873 people living in the United States, and there were 580,900 drug arrests with 401,982 of them being for marijuana.

In 16 years time, there has been a 320% increase in the amount of arrests with a 16% increase in the population.

Think of it in these terms: In 2006, 1 out of every 150 people in the entire United States was arrested for drugs, and the number of arrests continues to grow each and every year. Nearly a million people were arrested for marijuana alone. All this adds up to 830,000 people per year, most of whom are hard-working Americans, who face going to prison, losing their jobs, losing their homes, etc., over what many believe to be an issue of personal choice.

Mind you, these are totals for one calendar year. Each and every year, another 830,000 suffer the same fate (again, that number rises each year), and that’s not mentioning the one million-plus arrests for other drugs. (Cited: Drug War Facts and the US Census Bureau)

Between the years of 1995 and 2006, 19,522,546 people were arrested on drug charges.

Nineteen and a half MILLION people were arrested for drugs in an 11 year period, and the majority of those arrests were for simple possession.

To achieve that end, Police and Federal Agents plan and enact military-style raids on their fellow Americans every single day. They use all the latest technology; assault rifles, infrared and night vision, flash bombs, body armor, etc. And, as they’ve proven time and time again, these trigger-happy stormtroopers will use each and every one of those technologies to their fullest capabilities, up to and including taking your life.

After all, it’s a lot of work arresting an average of 5177.5 people every single day, so you’ve got to let off steam somehow. It really is a war out there, and the government will be the first one to tell you. It’s wasn’t the media, or people of the United States who coined the term “War on Drugs”, it was the government itself.

09/18/2008 Update:

FBI records on drug arrests for the year 2007 were released on 09/15, and the data shows that a record 872,000 people were arrested for marijuana, with 90%, or 775,000, being for simple possession. It also showed that 75% of those arrested were under the age of 30. Appearing on the Dr. Drew radio program on 09/16, Paul Armentano, Senior policy analyst for NORML stated:

"We now have an entire generation that's becoming disenfranchised, that's believing that its civic leaders and police are not their protectors and are actually their oppressors, and if you look at the data, they are."


The War on Terror:

Department of Homeland Security
245 Murray Lane, SW
Washington, DC 20528

Secretary Chertoff,

My name is Jet Lacey, and I am an American citizen.

It’s said the treatment for some ailments is far worse than the disease itself. This analogy entirely sums up my feelings about the Department of Homeland Security, and the “War on Terror.” I am infinitely more afraid of you, agents of my own government, than I am, or have ever been of Al-Qaeda. You have done more damage to this country, and to the individual rights of its citizens than Al-Qaeda ever could.

You have taken the Constitution; a document expressly written to prevent the type of oppression being propagated by your department, and you have used it as your doormat. Former Supreme Court justice William Douglas says it best:

“The Constitution is not neutral. It was designed to take the government off the backs of people.”

Through the PATRIOT Act, you have removed or suspended many “inalienable rights” that are the life's blood of any honest-to-goodness free society.

• You’ve created “gag orders”, effectively negating the 1st Amendment’s guarantee of free speech.

• You conduct innumerable acts of warrantless surveillance on American citizens, in direct violation of the 4th Amendment.
  

• You have suspended constitutionally guaranteed Writs of Habeas Corpus on multitudes of “enemy combatants”, and tortured them in direct violation of numerous compacts and treaties, although no “war” has ever been declared by Congress. This is a direct violation of Article One, Section 9 of the Constitution.

• You secretly search the homes and businesses of American citizens without ever notifying the owner or occupant. Again, it is a direct violation of the 4th Amendment to the Constitution.

• You have expanded the definition of terrorism to include various domestic issues in order to increase your power.

They say sex sells, but nothing sells better than fear. Why do you think religion is so popular? The Department of Homeland Security, and the PATRIOT Act are examples of what the Founding Fathers believed to be absolutely intolerable acts of a government against its people, and thus they risked everything and rose up against such tyranny.

It has been well and often quoted, but there are ideas that are stated so plainly and truthfully that paraphrasing would only serve to cheapen them.

“Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” - Benjamin Franklin, (Historical Review of Pennsylvania 1759).

It is among my firmest beliefs that this is what has befallen America and her people. We have allowed hand-wringing, sneering, drunk-with-power 'leaders' like you, to sell us your tale of fear, and 'We the People' have bought it hook, line, and sinker.

By drafting and enacting the PATRIOT Act, what you have done to the United States and her people is tantamount to High treason. If the world was a fair place, you Mr. Chertoff, Tom Ridge, all Congressmen who voted for passage of the Act, its revisions, and its extension (including Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John McCain), and the current President and Vice President of the United States would be incarcerated without bail, charged, fairly and publicly tried in a Federal Court of Law, and if convicted be imprisoned or put to death in accordance with Article III, Section 3 of the Constitution of the United States of America. Contrary to what you obviously believe, there is no higher law in the land.

Mr. Chertoff, I am a peace-loving man devoted to the return of individual liberties in this country. Sir, I’d like to say it would give me the greatest of pleasures to see the day come to pass where you paid for the crimes you’ve committed against America. I’d like be able to say that I’d revel as you were strapped down and had your life taken away from you with the push of a syringe, or that I'd giggle with delight if your head began smoking like Ethel Rosenberg’s as you 'Ride the Lightning' for the harm you've done to this country.........but I’m not like you.

With Utmost Sincerity,

Jet Lacey


The War on Illegal Immigration:

While some of the other “wars on____” currently being waged by our government may be of higher importance to our ability to continue as a free nation, the War on Illegal Immigration is the topic that is most dear to my heart. All of the other wars are portrayed as serving a higher cause or purpose; freedom of course, but that’s an uncomfortable laugh we’ll share on another day. However, the War on Illegal Immigration is a war that directly singles out one group of people, namely Mexicans.

Yes, I know that technically, illegal aliens are here, well, illegally. I get it. What I don’t get is, after they’ve been welcomed in with open arms for so long, why are they considered, all of the sudden, to be this big societal pestilence. The act of being here illegally isn’t even a crime; it’s a civil infraction. For many, many years, illegal immigrants have been allowed to open bank accounts and have driving privileges, and they’ve been allowed to purchase homes and cars on credit, just like “regular” Americans. They’ve even, until recently, been eligible for welfare and food stamps. What they weren’t able to do is what the government would prefer none of us be able to do; vote, or reap any Social Security benefits we’ve sown throughout our working years.

I’ll tell you why they’ve been welcomed with open arms; for their cheap, voiceless labor. Mexicans, both citizens and ‘illegals’, are no small part of the very backbone of this nation. They get a lot of bad press because of the drug trade (see above), but overall, Mexicans are some of the finest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. They have a rich culture, steeped in tradition, and they are a religious and family-oriented people. The most important word in the Spanish language is trabajo, which simply means work. I’ve also found that whatever respect you give most Mexicans, you get back double in return. What bothers me most is that many people who are dead-set against illegal immigrants don’t even have regular contact with Mexican people.

My life-long love affair with the Mexican people started in 1977, when at the wide-eyed and wondrous age of 8, my Mom, sisters, and I moved to Phoenix, AZ. When school began that August at Orangewood Elementary I was in the 3rd grade, and it was then that I took Spanish for the 1st time. Though I’ve nary a swarthy drop of blood coursing through my veins, I often joke that I’m 100% Irish, and 50% Mexican.

I digress. The ultimate issue for me here is compromise. The US government seems to have lost this ability in our recent history. I’m more than ok with taking whatever measures are deemed necessary to discourage illegal immigration into this country. I’d rather they didn’t build a wall along the Mexican border, not because of illegal immigration, but because I’d like for my own way out the door to be kept open, should things get worse. The most realistic and humanistic way to handle this issue would be to first secure the border, and give those who are already here a fast-track to become an American citizen. Also, the fees and costs associated with U.S. citizenship are extremely prohibitive for many, and I believe they should be decreased.

Earning citizenship isn’t about what you can pay; it’s about a pledge of loyalty and a promise to be a positive member of the society. However, with rights comes responsibility, and proving that the immigrant has learned basic conversational English should be a firm requirement before citizenship is granted.

Mexicans are a diligent and adaptable people; I think they’re up for the challenge.

High Times at the GOP Convention

Yawn! Oh, hi there. I guess I kinda just dozed off there for a minute. Whew....The last thing I remember, I was watching one dusty old bullshit artist after another flap their gums at the GOP Convention, live from St. Paul, Minnesota.

The air inside is electric, but not in a good way. I can only describe it as a "turn the other way and run" kind of way. Short hairs stand on napes of necks, and there seems to be a faint, hot mist emanating from the convention floor. The overall scene is of a Dali-esque mirage. To ease the tension, large Ziploc bags of freshly picked Psilocybin and Mason jars of 180-proof corn liquor, both from Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson's personal stash, were hurriedly flown in and distributed to the restless mob by Republican party officials.

Smart move; it's been proven that a fairly large percentage of people experience a long-lasting increase in emotional well-being after taking mushrooms. On a more serious note, the white lightning was Manna from Heaven to the 40 or so delegates who had been seen lying in the aisles, curled up in the fetal position. They appeared to be in the bone-aching throes of opiate withdrawal, or in fulminant alcoholic DT's. Rush Limbaugh, you know what I’m talking about.

Others are seen scratching at themselves or blindly clawing at the air, as though they are fending off some manner of invisible, winged beast. Hundreds have been afflicted with Bell's palsy, and many more have open, weeping sores dotting their torsos. Calamine lotion is selling outside the convention for 350 dollars a bottle, and millions of flies have abandoned area landfills and have descended upon the XCel Energy Center in search of an easy meal.

The flies sense it and so do I; these are physical manifestations of abject horror. The Republicans know they've done fucked things up with the American people. At this point, they’re also acutely aware they had a pretty good thing going too.

Throughout this process, I've noticed quite a few things about Presidential conventions and those who serve as delegates. Those who believe in Satan as a living entity, as opposed to a metaphoric allusion to our darkest instincts, refer to the devil as "The King of Liars." After a few nights of watching our divided masses worship these golden calves, I'm not convinced that Satan could hold a candle to these pros.

I can't say who flat-out, bald-faced lied the most, but it chaps my ass just thinking about it. It's obvious these conventions are a farcical parade of lies, and a lesson in the piquant nuances of political ass-kissery. After listening to members of both parties for numerous nights in a row, I now know what it feels like to be a smoking-hot girl sitting alone in a busy nightclub. Everybody knows that fellas gonna step to her and say and do anything it takes to get her in the sack. Why? So they can fuck her. The only difference between the parties is the line of “game” they roll up with.

The delegates themselves are the side-show to their candidate's "Three-Ring Circus." On the convention floor, thanks to the unflinching eye of C-Span, I witnessed numerous acts of prostitution, two possible homicides, and open IV drug use.

A major problem occurred at the convention when it was realized that there weren’t nearly enough delegates in attendance. Party organizers were in a ‘head-in-hands’ panic after roughly half of the seated delegates up and left the convention, never to return. They went across the river to Minneapolis in search of real reform, to Rep. Ron Paul's opposing convention, the "Rally for the Republic."

Organizers had to think of something, tuit suite. It is rumored that John McCain called in some favors and had every homeless Veteran they could find, from parks and bus stops across the Midwest, bussed in to sit for the convention. They also sent out volunteers to scour local asylums, halfway houses, and inpatient psychiatric units for suitable female "constituents.”

Homeless Vets are a sad lot; they are the shells of former people who quit trying after being used up and spit out. They are the human waste of our disposable society. To politicians, with the possible exception of McCain himself, they are what they have always been; expendable, be they light infantry or convention seat fillers. They are our country’s ‘Untouchables”; paid in pimento loaf and cheap booze, and merely tolerated until their services are no longer needed. After the convention, they will be immediately and summarily returned to their former glory behind the nearest dumpster, without so much as a "Thanks, now go fuck yourself."

Above it all, presiding front and center is the unholy Puta Madre, Cindy McCain. I have lived in Phoenix, AZ for a long time, and I have seen Mrs. McCain in public on a few occasions. For me, anything closer than TV is too close for my comfort.

I don't care what anyone says, I am pretty sure she's not human.

Normally, the sparsely thin strands of her ancient, flaxen hair are secured in the severe pony tail of richey-rich bitches everywhere. It carries the pungent odor of moist loam or old books, and sours the very air around her. Flying insects that venture too close to Mrs. McCain instantly cease metabolic activity and freefall to earth.

Tortuous, cord-like veins rhythmically pulse as they traverse the width and breadth of her considerable ovoid melon, which reflects light in the same spectrum as Gold Medal flour. Her eyelashes are said to be coated in neurotoxic venom, and can be accurately fired a distance of 5 or 6 feet. Mrs. McCain’s thin-lipped smile conceals hypodermic canines that can tear through any flesh, including the densest bone. Her soulless eyes are the color of an azure sea set aflame.

Cindy McCain is in her glory, for this is her time. She has been lying patiently in wait since 1136 B.C. for this day to arrive. The Prophecies have spoken.

I can see why people sell their souls; mine's a fucking burden to be sure. It must be great to feel no sense of care or concern for your fellow man and only worry about yourself. It must be powerfully liberating to be able to go after what you really want without giving a second thought to how you got there, what villages you've plundered, or how many lives you've destroyed along the way. Imagine, just for a second, being able to lie, cheat, and steal without the slightest pang of guilt or remorse. I know, I know, it sounds great; but I can't seem to rid myself of it, not even for a fleeting moment.

In summation, there are dark forces that mean us harm that surround us from all directions. The best advice is to lay low and keep your head down until you find some manner of cover. And then, at the opportune time, jump up and come out swinging. That time is coming, sooner than you might think.

Don't worry, I'll let you know.

The Denver Donkey Show: Hee-Haw, Hee Haw - The March for Fleece 2008. Night 4 of the DNC part II

On the 45^th anniversary of “I Have a Dream”, Barack Obama delivered a similarly moving and beautiful speech to the standing room only INVESCO field audience, the American people, and the more than 38 million around TV viewers around the world. It’s sad really, that unlike Dr. King’s speech, Barack Obama’s promise of a better tomorrow for the American people carried all the heft of a popcorn fart and the heart-felt honesty of “You look great in that dress. I was telling my Mama just the other day that I thought that style of dress probably wasn't designed with Homo sapiens in mind. But, I see you in it and I’m like, DAMN girl, you be lookin' fine!”

Dr. King said:

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

Truer words were never spoken. Recognize.

As well as:

"I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood."

Well, they’re still working on that one. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know.

Regardless of my ever-embittered, volcanic ranting, this was a historic night. And, as viciously and regularly as I attack my fellow Americans and our government, the events of last night restored in me a sliver of hope that the American system of government still fundamentally works. A black man has earned the Democratic Party’s nomination for President of the United States of America. I say earned because he successfully fended off The Baddest Bitch, and quite possibly the sickest all-around fuck on the face of the planet, in a heroic display of will that continues to befuddle me.

Respect.

As alluded to earlier, the speech was nothing more than a “Rah-Rah-Rah” pep rally for the American dream. There were no Chicken Soup for the American Soul remedies. And, the remedies that Senator Obama did allude to left me with gnawing, rolling agita. How the hell are we gonna pay for all this utopian sunshine and rainbows? There is no way that any of this could be anything more than utter fantasy, like Intelligent Design, or abstinence-based Sex ed programs. I’ve read numerous Penthouse Forum letters that were more believable.

There was one aspect of the Democrats' powerful night that was particularly telling; hundreds upon hundreds of Democratic delegates on the floor of INVESCO Field were waving signs that merely said "Change", so many in fact, that I can now attest to what an organized street beggar's convention would look like. The ocean of signs somehow cheapened the speech, as if the front of a 7-11, or a freeway off-ramp would be a more fitting venue. Even though I was at home, I put my wallet in my front pocket, just to be safe.

When, oh when, oh when, will they learn; ass, gas, or grass, NOBODY rides for free.

However, I am a grown man and I can admit certain things: As much as I bitch like some whiny old see-you-next-Tuesday, I firmly believe that if you can motivate a nation’s people to action, you can literally move mountains.

My brother Andy (his Blog) will state to anyone who will listen to him, that he believes differently. Andy proudly contends that he is, “Ayn Rand-loving to the point of necrophilia”, and a “me first and fuck you, card carrying Neo-con.” He believes that Karl Rove is to politics what Allen Iverson is to himself; the Answer. My fellow Americans, I love him very, very much, and I work tirelessly to temper his vigor for ultra-conservative issues. The truth be told, I often wonder if his conservative fervor is a defense mechanism; for hidden under the surface of his super-intelligent psyche, and unbeknown to the rest of us, he has a Rep. James Traficant-sized skeleton in his closet. Only time will tell.

I’m on to you MackNair. You can run but you can’t hide.

In closing, I don’t really have anything else to report. My intention for this final segment was for it to be as entertaining and devoid of substance as Senator Obama’s speech.

To my wonderful and appreciated readers (both of you), if you think that I was tough on the Demmycrats, wait ‘til Monday. The GOP Convention from St. Paul, MN is the place. I have a feeling that its going to be a sadly farcical event, more than worthy of my rancorous verbal wrath.

I will also be heavily reporting on Ron Paul's "ugly step-sister" convention, "The Rally for the Republic", in Minneapolis. If you were wondering if I'm just some angry, scoliotic curmudgeon who lives below a freeway overpass and uses the public library's computer as an excuse to come in from the elements, and that I couldn't possibly write anything with a positive slant, just wait.

Just you wait.

Until then, assalamu alaikum,

Jet

The Denver Donkey Show: Hope Sweet Hope and Sweet, Sweet Lies. The DNC Night 4.

I was watching the 4^th and final night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention. As I turned on the television, Stevie Wonder and his band were performing a jazzy little number. Stevie was blessedly terse this night. There is a joke from Eddie Murphy Delirious in which Eddie relates the fact that he’s become friends with Stevie. “You gotta cut Steve off, because if he get a roll on, he’ll talk your ear off. Shut the fuck up Steve, man. If you want to impress me, drive the motherfucking car!” Some jokes are funny because they’re funny, and some jokes are funny because they’re true. Stevie Wonder talks like Sperm whales dive, one big breath and both of them are all set for at least two hours.

I started out watching the Democratic Party’s personal “fluffer” that is CNN. “Good evening, I’m Wolf Blitzer, here with my colleague, closeted homosexual Anderson Cooper, and this is CNN. This hour’s segment of the Democratic National Convention from Denver, CO is brought to you by Bleu Cheese flavored Man-gina brand personal lubricant and “toss-your-salad” dressing.

I can’t believe I had forgotten the fact that a few of the MSNBC pundits were close to throwing on-air blows. Without a second thought, I would buy a Pay-Per-View of that spectacle; I picture a bunch of sissy-assed windbags, blindly slapping in each other’s general direction with weakly flailing arms and manicured nails. Their faces seem to be imploding, and they turn their heads away from the action like Regan McNeil in The Exorcist. “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, you faithless slime.” Yeah Chris Mathews and Keith Olbermann, I’m talking to you, ya panty waists.

This is so much fun.

I sat there, half-assed listening to speaker after speaker and pundit after pundit, say the same goddamn thing about change and how Barack Obama will bring to us this life-giving panacea, and that John McCain, snake oil salesman extraordinaire, will continue selling the same patented nostrum of the Bush administration, and just how downright unacceptable that is for everyone. Blah-de-f’ing-blah.

The irony is not lost on me that words once spoken by Vladimir Lenin seemed to sum it up best; “A lie told often enough becomes the truth.”

This is how I see it; both parties fuck you in the ass, it’s academic. This incarnation of the Democrats have about them the appearance of common courtesy; they promise to at least rub your back while they jack hammer your dirt road. The Republicans however, try to divert your attention away from the fact that they’re making sweet, sweet love to your backside by activating your fight-or-flight reflex, so much so that sensory overload reduces the uncomfortable sensation to tolerable levels. It’s quintessential gate control theory.

After a couple of much needed Bud Lights with Lime, I came to my senses and switched the channel to PBS. I commented to my wife that Jim Lehrer has the eyes of a Great White; black, cold, and beautiful. Beth said, “And creepy. They make me want to give him a piece of cheese.” I politely disagreed with my wife’s mouse reference, as she knows little to nothing about either Lamniformes or Rodentia.

I believe, despite his advanced age, that Mr. Lehrer would be a political force on the national stage if he dusted off his wallet and sprung for a rug wasn’t the ‘Jackie’ from Men’s Wigs by John Renau. Deep, knowing eyes and an eighty-five dollar cranial beaver pelt go together like Fundamental Christianity and reason. Oil and water bitches, oil and water.

On with the show. Without further ado, may I introduce to you the next President of the United States of America - directly after the obligatory heart string-tugging video montage.

Barack Obama took the stage like a smooth, slow moving Category 2 hurricane; he seemed to be literally blowing away the 80-plus thousand people in attendance. To me and my cynic’s eye (which I’m told translates to Asshole), the spectacle reminded me of those cool Billy Dee Williams Colt .45 commercials from the 80’s. Everybody knows that Malt Liquor goes down smooth, but there’s always a bitter aftertaste.

Stepped in the park I was drunk as hell
Three bitches already said, "Eric your breath smells!"
40 ounce in hand, that's what I got
"Yo man you see Eazy hurlin' in the parking lot?"

8-ball by NWA

Tomorrow, gentle readers, my assessment of the Barack Obama nomination acceptance speech.

Same Gonzo time, same Gonzo channel......

The Denver Donkey Show; Apathy sets in/Bud Lights no help. Night 3 of the DNC.

I am sitting here, having drunk numerous Bud Light/Clamato red beers, trying in vain to come to grips with what I have just witnessed. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be as caustic tonight as I have been, but the search for real truth can never be railroaded by flimsy, drunken promises; like telling yourself that you’ll be nicer to people, or the vows of marriage.

Frankly, I’m bored with it already. I can only watch people I loathe for so long, especially since many of them have been at the very top of my “God Do I Fucking Hate You” list for such a long time. After a while, watching them makes me seriously begin to question my own sanity. I rationalize it by saying that I need to know the truth. The truth is, you are going to find damn little truth at a political convention. If the contest is previously decided, conventions are nothing more than political stroke-jobs; a rite of ascension for the Whore of Babylon.

Jesus, I can’t even write I’m so turned off. The words usually flood my mind to capacity, and the trick is to keep the best ones and put them on the page. Tonight, the words are nowhere to be found. They must be dragged, syllable by syllable, from the overworked language centers of my fatigued and beleaguered brain, and I seemed to have run fresh out of catecholamines to fuel my rage.

“The King is dead. Long live the King!”

Good night,

Jet

The Denver Donkey Show and Tonight’s Star; The One, The Only, Sen. Hill-a-ME Clinton (DNC Night 2)

Where to begin; I’m sitting there, minding my own Goddamn business, and watching the Democratic National Convention, live from Denver. It’s moments like these in life’s rich pageant that call to memory some of the times in your life that you’ve felt so very alone. It’s like; “WOW. There’s a shitload of people in this country who see the world through completely different eyes than I do. I mean for real.”

Then, reality sets in and you remember (how could you forget, you handsome devil) that you are always right and all those complete assholes on that convention floor have got it all wrong. WAAAAAYY wrong.

They are unwittingly there, for all the world and most importantly me, to laugh at and to demean. HELL YEAH! Think about it; you’ve got to be a pretty dim bulb with nary a sense of humor not to take full advantage of a prime opportunity to laugh at the Democrats’ expense. Fox News even had actor Chris Burke, who was born with Downs Syndrome, and portrayed lead character 'Corky' on the TV series “Life Goes On," live in their Washington studios to poke fun at the convention goers. Mr. Burke, 43, appeared to be drunk at the time.

Orgiastic doesn’t begin to describe the convention floor freak show. For Christ’s sake, with mine own eyes I saw a delegate from the convention’s home state of Colorado in a Jack Link’s Beef Jerky Sasquatch costume, with a studded-leather codpiece, and God help me if I’m lying, bejeweled nipple rings. I could go on for hours.

It all makes sense now......

With a revolving door of freaks and megalomaniacs who spoke before her, Hillary Clinton was introduced to the stage by her, VERY fit by the way, daughter Chelsea. I hadn’t seen Chelsea in quite a while, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that she had somehow grown into the heavy jaw and equine dentition of her youth. For whatever reason, I hadn’t thought that possible. To be honest, I was expecting another Amy Carter. What a battle axe.

Senator Clinton entered stage left, initially flanked by her guru, an Al Bin Ali Bedouin mystic. Little is known about him other than he smells of camel’s urine and Febreze. She walked with a quick, straight-armed, straight-legged staccato, accessorized by her trademark wild-eyed grin, like a martyred poster child for the clinically insane. She held the look of someone who is currently experiencing the unique discomfort of having a relapsing, crack smoking Robert Downey Jr. wedged in their descending colon.

She took the stage in a day-glo, “power orange” pant suit. With a pasty white skeletal head, and her “you see that ass Mami got” rear end, from afar she looked like a delicious piece of candy corn. At first I thought she was going to do something fresh and bold, like a jazzy dance number, maybe as one last ditch effort to turn the delegate tide in her favor. I sat eagerly waiting, hoping for other candy costumes to follow her on stage, but none of it came; no mini Snickers, no Zagnuts, no Circus Peanuts, nothing. I must say that I was temporarily saddened. Then she opened her mouth and my pain melted away.

She started off slowly, with the usual mendacious rhetoric. But, anytime Hillary Clinton takes the podium, it is common knowledge that there’s going to be some vaingloriously comedic “doozies” that come flying out of her mouth. It is a fact that has been woven into the very fabric of presidential campaign folklore. She just can’t fucking help herself, much to the delight of my maliciously sarcastic dark side.

As she spoke, they kept panning back to Bill Clinton for his reaction. President Clinton looked like W.C. Fields in the depths of an alcoholic fugue. His cartoonish, bulbous nose has turned a deep shade of red, and there is a visible road map of tiny surface capillaries from continual abuse of the drink. His face was flush, and his eyes were like a crime scene; bloodshot and devoid of life. President Clinton is a known mouth breather, and as he exhaled, those around him were forced to turn away in revulsion from the overbearing stench of Maker’s Mark and simple chronic halitosis. It has been widely reported on fringe internet news sites that he “sharted” when Hillary said “No Way, No How, No McCain.”

Notable Quotes:

• The media outlets had quoted Sen. Clinton calling for Democrats to “take back the country we love,” but I will go to my grave believing that I heard her urge them, begging them no less, to “take back the Cunt that you love.”

• Speaking to America, “You have made me laugh, you have made me cry.” Well Hillary, now you know how I’ve felt all these years, but for me, there’s been a heavier emphasis on the crying.

• “Barack Obama is MY candidate, and he must be President of the United States of America.” – This is typical Hillary Clinton egoism. Me, me, me, my, my, my, I, I, I.

Other than that, it was a pretty boring, non-committal speech. The whole thing seemed kind of forced, except when she was talking about herself of course. There was nothing earth-shattering to report, but as stated earlier, the people watching was par excellence.

Semper Vigilo,

Jet