The Denver Donkey Show: Hope Sweet Hope and Sweet, Sweet Lies. The DNC Night 4.

I was watching the 4^th and final night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention. As I turned on the television, Stevie Wonder and his band were performing a jazzy little number. Stevie was blessedly terse this night. There is a joke from Eddie Murphy Delirious in which Eddie relates the fact that he’s become friends with Stevie. “You gotta cut Steve off, because if he get a roll on, he’ll talk your ear off. Shut the fuck up Steve, man. If you want to impress me, drive the motherfucking car!” Some jokes are funny because they’re funny, and some jokes are funny because they’re true. Stevie Wonder talks like Sperm whales dive, one big breath and both of them are all set for at least two hours.

I started out watching the Democratic Party’s personal “fluffer” that is CNN. “Good evening, I’m Wolf Blitzer, here with my colleague, closeted homosexual Anderson Cooper, and this is CNN. This hour’s segment of the Democratic National Convention from Denver, CO is brought to you by Bleu Cheese flavored Man-gina brand personal lubricant and “toss-your-salad” dressing.

I can’t believe I had forgotten the fact that a few of the MSNBC pundits were close to throwing on-air blows. Without a second thought, I would buy a Pay-Per-View of that spectacle; I picture a bunch of sissy-assed windbags, blindly slapping in each other’s general direction with weakly flailing arms and manicured nails. Their faces seem to be imploding, and they turn their heads away from the action like Regan McNeil in The Exorcist. “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, you faithless slime.” Yeah Chris Mathews and Keith Olbermann, I’m talking to you, ya panty waists.

This is so much fun.

I sat there, half-assed listening to speaker after speaker and pundit after pundit, say the same goddamn thing about change and how Barack Obama will bring to us this life-giving panacea, and that John McCain, snake oil salesman extraordinaire, will continue selling the same patented nostrum of the Bush administration, and just how downright unacceptable that is for everyone. Blah-de-f’ing-blah.

The irony is not lost on me that words once spoken by Vladimir Lenin seemed to sum it up best; “A lie told often enough becomes the truth.”

This is how I see it; both parties fuck you in the ass, it’s academic. This incarnation of the Democrats have about them the appearance of common courtesy; they promise to at least rub your back while they jack hammer your dirt road. The Republicans however, try to divert your attention away from the fact that they’re making sweet, sweet love to your backside by activating your fight-or-flight reflex, so much so that sensory overload reduces the uncomfortable sensation to tolerable levels. It’s quintessential gate control theory.

After a couple of much needed Bud Lights with Lime, I came to my senses and switched the channel to PBS. I commented to my wife that Jim Lehrer has the eyes of a Great White; black, cold, and beautiful. Beth said, “And creepy. They make me want to give him a piece of cheese.” I politely disagreed with my wife’s mouse reference, as she knows little to nothing about either Lamniformes or Rodentia.

I believe, despite his advanced age, that Mr. Lehrer would be a political force on the national stage if he dusted off his wallet and sprung for a rug wasn’t the ‘Jackie’ from Men’s Wigs by John Renau. Deep, knowing eyes and an eighty-five dollar cranial beaver pelt go together like Fundamental Christianity and reason. Oil and water bitches, oil and water.

On with the show. Without further ado, may I introduce to you the next President of the United States of America - directly after the obligatory heart string-tugging video montage.

Barack Obama took the stage like a smooth, slow moving Category 2 hurricane; he seemed to be literally blowing away the 80-plus thousand people in attendance. To me and my cynic’s eye (which I’m told translates to Asshole), the spectacle reminded me of those cool Billy Dee Williams Colt .45 commercials from the 80’s. Everybody knows that Malt Liquor goes down smooth, but there’s always a bitter aftertaste.

Stepped in the park I was drunk as hell
Three bitches already said, "Eric your breath smells!"
40 ounce in hand, that's what I got
"Yo man you see Eazy hurlin' in the parking lot?"

8-ball by NWA

Tomorrow, gentle readers, my assessment of the Barack Obama nomination acceptance speech.

Same Gonzo time, same Gonzo channel......